i remember how my dad used to teach us how to blow our nose
just to clear the stuffy nose
reminding how that would be healthier
getting rid of bad things instead of keeping it
i guess that also applies to our lives
always wanted the best for us
without putting it in front of us
but rather pushing us for what we want
for what we want that he would be happy for
never stop trying to get us where we want
never make us doubt ourselves

daun

checklist untuk ke masa hadapan perlu ada untuk maju bukan sahaja dalam usia tapi content masa itu sendiri.

sedari keadaan semasa perlu untuk bertindak atas reaksi.

kadang kita perlu kawan untuk menuding jari atas muka sendiri kerana manusia seorang diri bagaikan daun yang tercabut dari ranting pokok

sehelai daun tanpa kawan kawan seperjuangan itu tidak juga boleh mendapat sumber nutrien dari akar seperti kawan kawannya yang tinggal di ranting kayu

boleh sahaja terbang ke mana mana bebas - rasa seperti gembira dan riang - tapi dalamnya kosong kering. kehijauan nya pudar dimakan masa.

begitulah daun kering disapu dek peronda jalanan. hilang dari muka bumi

malam siang

hari yang panjang.
bermakna matahari itu kelihatan lebih lama dari bulan dalam sehari. matahari yang membawa kepanasan itu tak henti henti memancar kecuali jika hujan berbaik hati meneduhi hari. musim panas sempat juga menukarkan suhunya mengambil kesempatan atas limpahan hujan. panas itu memberi ruang berlegar-legar seluruh alam ketika panas bahangnya tidak menusuk otak. kerna kepanasan itu bisa membingungkan kepala, tinggal di rumah dan tidur itu baik juga aturannya.


malam yang pendek
tidak dapat tidur awal berpunca dari rutin seharian yang sudah terbiasa dengan perjalanan hidup. tidur awal tidak lagi dilihat sebagai suatu yang sihat tapi malang dan hina sahaja dan ape entah lagi. cepatnya malam itu sangatlah tidak terkira. berape saatlah sangat kehidupan malam ini, apetah lagi kehidupan malam dan siang dan keseluruhannya. masih lagi, walaupun begitu. masih masih lagi. masih lagi. teringat kata kata orang celik hati.

celikkan lah hati.

fly and run

it's been a while. frisbee lame gak ditinggalkan. dah free baru best main. best gak kat padang turf cantik . luas dan rata. lari pun best. em tapi susah nak cari satu team frisbee yang sangat best macam kat kmb. banting was actually a great place to play frisbee huh. ada yang boleh baling jauh. ade yang memang specialty tangkap. ade yang lari macam haram. ada yang tinggi lompat. ada yang forehand cantik teramat. in short, semua talent ada la.

walaupun banyak benda yang nampak mustahil dalam masa terdekat, maybe nanti nanti bila bila ada rezeki boleh kot jumpa dengan semua orang orang frisbee ni. and maybe bole buat something big ke kan.manetau.

this sem baru start main selalu frisbee. ramai jugak senior yang main sebenarnya. seniors. takpelah. so. cam best tengok disc tu terbang. dah lame tak merasa the joy of catching. tapi sakit jugak kadang kadang penat lenguh. give and take. semua pun ada give and take. nak take je taknak give susahlah.

knowing and realizing with some experience

to know that you really do not own it is to really do your best expecting the most out of it and really flunked it. at that moment you know what is really going on, not as expected and not as good as what you think.

before that, it is just you comforting yourself about the situation and making yourself feel good which is not the case. go talk to people and say it out. ask. seek help which is always hard.

maybe when life is easier i will try to sleep early and wake up early. and talking could sometimes hard when it is spontaneous especially long questions. got to pull out long sentences while thinking it.

post-itu syndrome/feel.

selepas tamatnya itu bermula perasaan yang bercampur baur. setiap kali lepas tu ,mesti. even dah banyak kali pun same jugak. bukan tak baik pun. and bukan tak penting pun walaupun tak penting sangat. some space. some time would do. even before tu dah rase kot. tengah buat tu pun dah tense and dah nyesal.tapi tak fikir lah time tu.

lepas itu barulah masa terluang. keadaan mengizinkan dengan suasana yang tenang baru boleh berfikir. tak tahu lah perlu ke tak. tapi buat lah ape yang rase rase boleh. dan nak.

project to the future. maksud die mengaplikasikan ke masa hadapan. obvious ke? orang cakap. tulah takde orang cakap tak ingat lah. mase atas masa bawah masa kanan masa kiri. semua masa itu same. mane ade lainnya. masa itu lah masa yang berlangsung bile bile pun.

story

few months ago

there was a night where people gather around hanging out in public. the gathering or just standing is not really worth doing actually but still, people do it. there would be thousands of people in some place while some hundreds in other places.

so, that night, i chose to be in the place of thousands of people just to know how would it be. that night's plan was to get the best spot to see something at the tick of clock. obviously, that late, the best spot has been filled.

so, police were everywhere blocking the side of the road saying you would need a pass to get in. everyone has to enter from the 50-ish street. that's like 10 block away from the place. ok we just say yes.

walked almost 10 blocks to get to the entrance and saw an opening where police are there at the entrance of the road. going through and stopped by the police, "no backpacks". okay. that makes me being left behind by two other friends. okay. throw this backpack? what do i do now? i was pretty much panic and i dont wanna throw away this bag. shoot. my friend called and ask me to wear the backpack in the sweater. ok good plan. but what if i'm caught?. i just do not know. plus the police ask everyone to open up the front part of everyone's jackets. whatever it is i would try to hide it.

open my sweater and wear my backpack and then my sweater on top of it. it seemed flat that i removed most of the stuff in it. but still, what if the police saw this.

with this fear i walked in the crowd, after waiting for the right time when many people are coming through. i try to be in the midst of crowd and make it more hassle. walking through, opened up my jacket just a little bit, that's the most exciting part and fuh... that was the time that could change my life. they could take me anywhere.

but i passed through without any suspicions. how cool huh. i could bring a bomb and blew up that place.kidding.

this is why you would want to gather at this night every year. as you come in there, there would be no chance of getting out or you would have to enter from the back again. but still i did the otherwise. jumped out the fences and back in. it was very cold. people were waiting for hours. since evening.

so, the waiting and standing in the cold last for about three hours with nothing much at the end. just some crappy fireworks and falling of a ball. okay. that was it. nothing much.

everyday was pretty much walking at least 20 blocks. the worst was during the snowstorm.